


Maybe This Time

by slackerD



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-10
Updated: 2014-07-10
Packaged: 2018-02-08 08:16:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1933602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slackerD/pseuds/slackerD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sarah's not ready to admit her feelings for Cosima, but then an unexpected visitor gives her an ultimatum.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe This Time

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is also known as me reusing an idea/trope, only this time it doesn't work out as well.

Cosima's dying. There's no denying it anymore. Seeing her in the hospital, pale, gasping for air means that there's no more pretending. And now that Delphine's back, she's taken Sarah's place at Cosima's side. So even though she doesn't want to leave, Sarah really can't deal with the sight at the moment. Being in love with Cosima was difficult enough to deal with before. But now, as she's struggling with the realization that Cosima's... She just can't. She has to get out of there.

Alison's with her family for the evening. Felix went home to shower and Kira's with Mrs. S, so Sarah doesn't bother telling anyone she's leaving. She'll probably be back before Cosima or Delphine notice. She just needs some air.

She's made it about three blocks when she's yanked into an alley and shoved against a brick wall. Whoever it is has the element of surprise, but they picked the wrong fucking day to mess with her. Sarah's fist is raised before she realizes who she's staring at, but the tension immediately drops from her body as she understands what she's seeing.

Considering all the shit that's gone down, Sarah probably shouldn't be as shocked as she is. Yeah, seeing her face staring back at her is still surprising and she'll probably be startled every time, but that's because for all the similarities, it's all the differences that catch her attention.

But this isn't the same. It's not the same at all. This is beyond fucked up. Because the face staring back at her is definitely hers, and hers alone.

"Shit."

The identical smiles sadly.

The alley is mostly shadows, but Sarah is still able to take in how worn down, beaten and despondent her identical looks. "What the bloody hell is going on?"

"I'm you."

"Yeah..." Sarah doesn't know how she knows that it's her and not another clone, but she just does. It's the same way she felt connected to Helena at first; she just does. "How the fuck is that possible?"

"I'm from the future."

"The fuck you are," Sarah scoffs. "That's impossible."

"You're a god damn clone, but time travel is impossible," the identical retorts.

" _Yeah_."

"Well, it's not."

"You could just be another clone, here to fuck with me," Sarah protests.

"I'm not. I'm you. And I know you know it." 

Sarah glares at her, as if the challenge will suddenly shake the lie out of her identical. But after several moments, Sarah resigns herself to the truth. "So why the hell are you here?"

"You need to tell her," the identical says.

"Tell who what?" Sarah asks.

The eye roll she receives in reply is full of pained annoyance and strips away Sarah's last piece of denial about Cosima. And for a second, Sarah can't breathe.

Thankfully, her identical doesn't say anything, just helps her lean against the brick wall and holds her steady while she gasps for air. By the time she's able to breathe again, there are tears running down her cheeks and Sarah knows it's a cold, hard truth that Cosima will die soon.

"You have to tell her," her identical says quietly.

"Why? What does it matter?" Sarah asks. "If she's..." Sarah still can't say the words as she chokes back another sob. 

"She deserves to know."

"She knows I love her," Sarah protests. "She knows I wouldn't have involved Kira if I didn't."

"You have to tell her. She deserves to know."

"Stop saying that!"

Her identical sighs. "I know it seems pointless to tell her now. But you have to. Not telling her is worse. It will eat you alive and drive you bloody mad till you're just a pathetic, shameful shell. "

"Without her... I'm ruined either way. It'd be selfish of me to lay that on her just to make me feel better. Besides, she has Delphine." 

"Telling someone you love them isn't selfish."

Sarah's grief is becoming anger. "Why does it matter?"

"Because I fucked up," her identical replies softly, obviously ashamed. "I let my grief distract me and I fucked up real bloody bad. I just couldn't let go and maybe if I had..."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"I can't tell you that."

"Then what the bloody hell can you tell me?" Sarah growls.

"Just tell her, yeah?" her identical orders. "I wouldn't have risked all this if it wasn't important."

Okay, so maybe she has a point there.

Her identical looks up and listens for something Sarah can't hear. "I gotta go," she says. "I'm out of time."

"What..."

"Tell her! You have to tell her or you'll regret it."

Before Sarah can respond, her identical begins to blur and then disappears into thin ar. Sarah's left staring at the other wall of the alley, wondering what the fuck just happened.

She's still half leaning against the wall, so she takes a moment to compose herself. Because that didn't just really happen. It's probably just her grief filled brain fucking with her. Just because she wishes she could let Cosima know how in love with her she is, doesn't mean it's a good idea. The only thing that matters now is Cosima and not adding to her burdens. She tells herself to take a couple deep breaths and holds back a chuckle as she hears Alison's voice in her head. _I hate yoga_. Yeah, same here, she thinks, but she takes three deep breaths anyway.

Sarah takes her time getting back, her trek back to the hospital is slow as she tries to regain some of her composure. They'll be plenty of time later to lose it.

When she reaches Cosima's room, Delphine is just outside the door, obviously looking for someone. Spotting Sarah, she opens the door and ushers her inside. No words are needed. The door clicks shut quietly behind her and Sarah sits in her normal spot before taking Cosima's hand.

"Hey."

"Where'd... you go?" Cosima asks, each word a gasp.

"Needed some air," Sarah replies. "Plus, figured you and Delphine could use a minute."

Cosima smiles though it's tired and obviously takes effort. "Yeah, well... no more... leaving," she orders. "I need... you both... around."

Sarah nods, tears prickling her eyes.

"You'll be o...kay."

Sarah shakes her head. "Not without you. Surviving isn't... Cos... I need you."

"I love... you, Sarah," Cosima gasps. "You're the best... sister... I could have... hoped for."

The tightness in Sarah's chest is almost unbearable as tears stream down her face. She hears the echo of her identical's words in her ears, but all she says is, "Ditto, yeah?"

Cosima's laugh is more of a cough that becomes desperate gasps that end with the steady beep of the heart monitor flat lining. Sarah is pushed aside as the doctors rush in. She stands in the corner, watching—Delphine by her side, arms grazing, but not touching—both alone in their grief.

And when they call time of death, Sarah sinks to the floor in a heap, ears buzzing with static as the cold washes over her. Above her, Delphine is a sobbing, incomprehensible mess. Sarah knows she should comfort her, but she can't feel anything except cold and regret.

**...**

2 years later

Sarah's the first to arrive and she's early, but lately she's been mostly running on anxiety and adrenaline, meaning she's been early a lot more often. She tries not to pace as she waits for Scott.

He arrives a few minutes later, not at all surprised that Sarah is already there.

"I'm still not sure this is a good idea," he tells her as he begins setting up.

"What choice do I have?"

"It obviously didn't work," Scott points out as he hands her the bracelet. 

"I still have to try," Sarah replies. "If I hadn't been so bloody distracted, then Fe and Alison and Kira..." Sarah takes a deep breath, now is not the time to break down. "I have to try."

Scott sighs and continues programming everything for the jump. They've already had this argument too many times. Still, he can't help but say, "You know no one blames you."

"Yeah, except you guys weren't fucking there, were you?"

"No, but—"

"It's my fault," Sarah chokes out. "I couldn't save _her_. The least I can do is try and save them."

Scott hands her the remote, which she slips into her pocket. "Good luck. You've got twenty minutes."

"You can't give me more?" Sarah pleads. "Maybe if I had more time..."

"You know we're pushing it as is," he reminds her. "It's never been tested. The only reason I know it works at all is because of what you told me."

Sarah nods. They've had this conversation too many times as well.

"Just... be careful all right?"

"Thanks for all your help, Scott," she says. "I..."

"I know," he nods. "See you soon."

Sarah removes the remote from her pocket as Scott takes a step back. She double checks the date and time on the remote one more time before hitting GO. The edges of her vision begin to blur and Scott becomes a fuzzy blob in front of her. She takes a deep breath and is suddenly yanked into nothingness, twisted and swirled about over and over before landing on her ass in the middle of a familiar alley. 

She stands, brushes herself off and moves closer to the street to wait for her target. Maybe this time it'll work. Maybe this time she'll be able to convince herself.


End file.
